Yes I know it’s not a real word. That’s one thing you’ll learn if you take the time to know me. I create new words splicing old ones when I need to use it to fulfill my purpose. Sometimes I create words that already have other meaning, sometimes I say words I’ve only ever known in books and get weird looks cuz apparently that is not, in fact, hold its pronounced. I often continue pronouncing it my way cuz frankly it sounds better that way and its a small way I can be myself with minimal risk. Anyway. I am currently wearing headphones with nothing playing. I have found that wearing headphones is often a nonverbal way of saying you do not want to be interacted with, and for the most part it works. I’m behind on schoolwork cuz I was sick and I should be doing that but I got the itch to do this instead and I wont be able to focus on work anyway till this clears away so why bother. Separance. I like the way its stated because it works as a double agent (or entendre, whichever you prefer). On one hand, it is expressing the act of being or becoming separate from somethings or someone, the separating or the never having been one at all. On the other, it names the state of separateness, a place of being that you can sit in, consume and surround yourself with like air, blankets or quicksand. Separance also, to me, implies choice. Separation feels violent, a ripping of sorts. But separance is a room you sit in then leave when its time. You chose separance, or it calls you to indulge. Separance is a tranquility or exuberance, while separation seems the forming of a scar. I chose separance often. My mom wishes I would chose it less. Because, for whatever reason, in this society separance is considered rude, a rejection of those around you, a lacking in care or functionality, a symptom of anger depression anxiety autism and other things. And maybe it is that last thing, I know I harbor all of those. But I see it as a meditation, dare I say a hang out with myself, a thing I like to do. Allowing my self to be and dabble in unlimited space free of outside input. or as free from outside input as one can be while existing.people often think I'm wearing earphones when I amn’t. Its not sociably acceptable to talk to oneself so I keep it in. But sometimes it gets all big and loud and it escapes out through my limbs or in bursts of lafter or exclamation. And that's funny to people and now they're all lafing and im trying not to care and it puts a bit of a damper on the whole thing doesn’t it? so that's why when Im in separance I try to be physically alone as well. That way my little outbursts only bounce back to me in an empty room and fills me back up like a lightbulb bc its times like those where I find myself positively delightful. It's in separance when I become my me the child me I am when I don't have to mould, protect myself that I truly love me. I’ve been told ; I have a horrible singing voice /but to me it sounds just perfect, the faces I make are offputing/ but I find them hilarious, my accessories and clothing erratic/ but they make me exuberant, the way I talk too loud and nonsensical/ but I think its just passionate and lyrical. And when I'm flourishing in separance I do not feel the criticism weighing me down I just know the raw beauty of this whirlwind chaos of me. And I am innocent, a baby, just a little guy. In separance I know I am beautiful, handsome, sofisticated, goofy, lovable, and fucking GOOD. I am perfect.
Then boom. the World. cuz nothing can last for ever and what goes up must go down and im wondering what sort of narcissist I must be what was I thinking loving me stupid old me and hi depression snuggle up inside me why don't you welcome home. hood up face down smile on words calculated try harder just survive. et ceteras all up to the moon.
*and yes I know it sounds like severance its kinda similar tbh if you think about it also amazing show btw we love irving and dylan give us our boys back